Friday, August 22, 2014

A baby? Okay, I'll take one

I like babies. My wife likes babies. So, we got to talkin' and said to each other, "Hey, we should have a baby." That discussion (along with little things like prayer, meditation, review of life circumstances, etc.) took us to the edge of the rabbit hole that we call parenthood and family planning. Of course, we had always planned on having children, but in my mind fatherhood found itself in the same category as using a jet pack or punching a shark: awesome, yet terrifying, and potentially happening sometime in the distant future.
Punching a shark WHILE using a jet pack!!!

Thankfully, parenthood came along before both viable jet packs and fish boxing, although all three have their perils and have resulted in loss of limb. I will gladly take on those perils, however, because this little girl is worth it.

"Hi, I'm Ana. I own you now."

Me, trying to do "dad" things.

It's been about 2 1/2 months since the little lady's arrival. I didn't want her to catch internet cooties, thus my decision to avoid advising the world-at-large of her majesty gracing us with her presence. Ana has done some mighty fine growing in these two months. Behold...

At this rate she'll be 7 1/2 feet tall by age 3.

Smiling at 5 days old seemed to set the tone for life up to this point (and hopefully future points) and she is now a professional, showing off her gleaming gums for anyone willing to make a face at her.

First, she'll smile, then she'll lick you.

Another favorite activity is standing. Not by herself, as that would be frightening, but if you don't hold her high enough be prepared for a glare. Take caution if reclining, she is known to take steps on occasion and may walk her way up to your face.

After the throat stomp, she performed an elbow drop, then pinned me for the World Wrestling Championship Title.

Yep, things are going pretty well around here, I count myself blessed more than I deserve. Now, if only I could lose this darn pregnancy weight...

She punched us both in the eye right 5 seconds before this.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

New Math

Throughout my youth I thought math was fun and easy.  It required a bit of mental strain, but not too much, and in the end there was either a right answer or a wrong answer.  Black and white, methodical, easy peasy.  However, my relationship with math hit a rough patch when imaginary numbers came along.  At that point I decided I wouldn't become an astrophysicist, and thus changed my focus to business.  Unfortunately, everything in business is imaginary, but that's neither here nor there.

One of the most basic concepts in math is addition.  Ask any child what is 1 + 1 and they will answer 2.  I am here to tell you that this is not always the case.  "Heresy!"  It's true!  Allow me to introduce what I am calling familial math:



Right, so this is classic 1 + 1 = 2, right?  Well, yes, but no.  Familial math includes an additional factor: time.  And now we can see how time changes the results....

As you can see, 1 + 1 currently equals 2 1/2, as Christen so beautifully demonstrates.  I am pleased to announce that in early June 1 + 1 will equal 3, as a little lady will be joining our family equation.  Isn't familial math great?

And she's not allowed to date until she's 25

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

And Now For Something Completely Different

December of 2012 was a month of some significance for my family. Firstly, after much tribulation, incoherent muttering, and the occasional plea for a rain of hellfire and brimstone to fall upon the university, I graduated with my undergraduate degree. There were feastings, rejoicings, and happy dances were performed in abundance. Secondly, I quit my job. The Mrs had told me months earlier, in no uncertain terms, that I was becoming a grumpy person and should leave my place of employment and focus on school. I harrumphed, and likely sneered, and continued in my life of working and schooling. Slowly stewing in an atmosphere of stress and misery, largely self-inflicted as I did what I’ve always been taught, “is best for my future,” I came to realize change is a good thing and I needed some of it. So, at the dawn of 2013 I found myself to be a new college grad, voluntarily unemployed, and on the cusp of a great adventure. After years of schedules, classes, and deadlines it was time for something completely different. I had no idea what I was in for.

Things sure feel different when, "adventure is out there," as opposed to, "adventure is here right now!"
My goal over the next few weeks is to document some of our adventures and some of the things I have learned during the last year. I cringe when I see online posts that read like a personal journal entry, so I hope to present these experiences in an enjoyable and easily understood fashion. However, this is not being written as a “public service,” attempting to teach, preach, or otherwise inspire. In fact, it’s more of a personal service, as I believe it’s important to keep a record of experiences and thoughts, but I wish to avoid the hand cramps that come from holding a pen. Presenting these things in an online forum utilizes a new middle ground created by the internet between personal journal writing and an autobiography. Simply put, I’m doing this for me, but anyone who wishes to come along is welcome. Plus, this helps me procrastinate washing the dishes. 

It's like they're watching me right now...
Hopefully this will be an enjoyable time for us all, even though some of the posts will be extra wordy. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of pictures in the future for those who don’t like nouns, verbs, and the like. 
See? A pretty picture, just for you!

Monday, April 9, 2012

I equal what??

I have been reduced to a mathematical equation. Okay, to clarify I should say that I'm not so much an equation of numbers, but an equation of personalities. Alright, to clarify my clarification I do not suffer from multiple personality disorder. It's like when you put a whole bunch of chocolate sauce on vanilla ice cream and stir it all together. You don't have vanilla ice cream anymore, you have a bowl full of frozen, brown goodness. Anyway...

My wife and I were sitting on the couch the other day (yes, I have a wife; yes, she is amazing; yes, I married her as fast as I could before she REALLY got to know me; yes, I do teach lessons on how to do that) and she decided to describe her view of my personality, not with words, but with cartoon characters. Naturally, I figured she's say I have the dashing good looks of Prince Charming, the wit of Bugs Bunny, and the general good-naturedness (yes, it's a of Po, from Kung Fu Panda. Oh, and maybe sprinkle a little of Freakazoid in there, for good humor. Yeah, buddy, I was feeling pretty good as Christen opened her mouth to define me.

So, here is the cartoon character equation of Kellan, according to my wife...




I was speechless for quite some time after this. Lumiere is not a new comparison, I have heard that in the past (I think it's because I can do the same creepy laugh that he does when wooing the feather duster, which for some reason everyone is okay with because of how he says everything with a French accent. Seriously, imagine someone laughing that way and then speaking with a Russian or Canadian accent. I bet even now you're ready to report your imaginary creeper to the imaginary cops). The shock factor came from the addition of Vector to the equation. Was this a good addition to the equation? Should I be offended? I must admit, there were some feelings of sadness (am I really that dweeby?), confusion (when have dressed like that?), and resentment (she was wearing glasses at the time, so SHE looked more like Vector than me!). Vector? Really?

Further contemplation allowed me to address each of the feelings that arose. Sadness is not an issue, I fully embrace my dweebieness, and will continue my efforts to introduce Christen to the glory of nerddom at my disposal. Confusion has given way to desire: I am in want of a bright orange warm-up suit (that looks like pajamas) that doubles as flight suit. Resentment was the first feeling to leave, due to the fact that my glasses really do look like Vector's, and Christen looks very good in her own glasses.

Now, I just have to accept the fact that she views me as a nerdy, smooth talking light provider who mooches off his father. At least she thinks I've got good dance moves...