Monday, April 9, 2012

I equal what??

I have been reduced to a mathematical equation. Okay, to clarify I should say that I'm not so much an equation of numbers, but an equation of personalities. Alright, to clarify my clarification I do not suffer from multiple personality disorder. It's like when you put a whole bunch of chocolate sauce on vanilla ice cream and stir it all together. You don't have vanilla ice cream anymore, you have a bowl full of frozen, brown goodness. Anyway...

My wife and I were sitting on the couch the other day (yes, I have a wife; yes, she is amazing; yes, I married her as fast as I could before she REALLY got to know me; yes, I do teach lessons on how to do that) and she decided to describe her view of my personality, not with words, but with cartoon characters. Naturally, I figured she's say I have the dashing good looks of Prince Charming, the wit of Bugs Bunny, and the general good-naturedness (yes, it's a of Po, from Kung Fu Panda. Oh, and maybe sprinkle a little of Freakazoid in there, for good humor. Yeah, buddy, I was feeling pretty good as Christen opened her mouth to define me.

So, here is the cartoon character equation of Kellan, according to my wife...




I was speechless for quite some time after this. Lumiere is not a new comparison, I have heard that in the past (I think it's because I can do the same creepy laugh that he does when wooing the feather duster, which for some reason everyone is okay with because of how he says everything with a French accent. Seriously, imagine someone laughing that way and then speaking with a Russian or Canadian accent. I bet even now you're ready to report your imaginary creeper to the imaginary cops). The shock factor came from the addition of Vector to the equation. Was this a good addition to the equation? Should I be offended? I must admit, there were some feelings of sadness (am I really that dweeby?), confusion (when have dressed like that?), and resentment (she was wearing glasses at the time, so SHE looked more like Vector than me!). Vector? Really?

Further contemplation allowed me to address each of the feelings that arose. Sadness is not an issue, I fully embrace my dweebieness, and will continue my efforts to introduce Christen to the glory of nerddom at my disposal. Confusion has given way to desire: I am in want of a bright orange warm-up suit (that looks like pajamas) that doubles as flight suit. Resentment was the first feeling to leave, due to the fact that my glasses really do look like Vector's, and Christen looks very good in her own glasses.

Now, I just have to accept the fact that she views me as a nerdy, smooth talking light provider who mooches off his father. At least she thinks I've got good dance moves...