Monday, June 20, 2011

Satan Doesn't Drive a Dragster...

Hate is not a big part of who I am. Nothing good comes from hate, it just makes people bitter and cynical about life. Kind of like reality TV.

We've all heard of things like racism and pessimism. -Isms just seem to have a bad connotation. To quote Ferris Bueller, "-Isms, in my opinion, are not good. To quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in -isms, I just believe in me."" (Check it out, a quote within a quote. I'm not sure that's literarically legal, but I figure the rules of English literature are determined by individuals who graduate with English degrees, realize they can't get a real job with their degree, so they spend their time in coffee shops ridiculing others for speaking in ways that actually make sense. But, I digress...)

I believe that each of us has an -ism of some kind. We are all -ists of one kind or another. Here and now I declare what kind of -ist I am...

My friends, I am a carist. Carism is a type of -ism that most people have, but just don't recognize right now. You might be asking yourself just what is the definition of carism. This definition comes from the World English Dictionary (okay, it doesn't, but it should):

Carism: the
belief that cars have distinctive characteristics determined by manufacturing factors and that this endows some cars with an intrinsic superiority over others.


There is one particular automobile that is the target of all of my carist behaviors. I started this post by stating that hate not a large part of who I am, but I must say that I cannot look at this type of car without some twinge of animosity. The car that I hate most in this entire world is this:

The notorious Ford Taurus. Even now I can't look at this picture for more than a moment, it gets me too upset. You may be wondering why I have such disdain for this car, but I can honestly answer that I do not know. For as long as I can remember there has been a burning hatred in my heart for this car. Regardless of the model or color, if it is a Ford Taurus I will not like it.

There has never been an occasion when a Taurus has left a good impression on me. I have never seen a Taurus drive without crossing lines in the road, drive 10 MPH below the speed limit, or commit some other random act of driver-piss-offery. Please know that I am not attacking the drivers of these vehicles. I had the unpleasant experience of being assigned a Taurus for about 3 months and I can tell you that it is impossible to be a good driver in one of these things. Try eating spaghetti with a cork on your fork and you'll experience the same frustration that comes with driving a Taurus. Of course, there are several people who drive a Taurus by choice. I'm not going to say anything derogatory about them, I'll just state the fact that I wouldn't trust them with my children. Just saying...

The only way to make a Taurus even worse is to slap some Idaho license plates on there. The plates go nicely with the paint smears left on the front bumper from the concrete parking stall barriers in the Twin Falls Walmart parking lot. No, I'm not a state-ist, I really like Idaho. Except for the Tauruses that for one reason or another migrate down to Utah on a regular basis, cut me off in traffic, drive too slow, park too close...

Yes, I realize I have a problem. I won't say we should try to love all cars equally (an Audi is much more deserving of my love than an Oldsmobile), but on the whole let's try to cut down on the -isms in our lives. As for me, I will limit my hatred to Tauruses, squishy vegetables, throw-up, and girls' giant sunglasses.

1 comment:

  1. Satan bought me a taco and it's name was Taurus.

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